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[Episode begins]

[The scene begins with George and Harold grunting whilst cheering on Captain Underpants punching himself]

Narrator: This is George Beard and Harold Hutchins. George is the kid on the right with the plunge on his head, Harold is the one on the left with a CD belt buckle. Remember that now. So, whats with all the Hub-Bub? It's just Captain Underpants punching his own lights out.

George: Keep punching!

[Captain Underpants yelps as his tooth gets knocked out]

Narrator: You might be wondering why George and Harold want Captain Underpants to beat himself silly. But before we can tell you that story, we have to tell you this story.

[Scene cuts]

George: Every teacher that we get in meaner then the last, because we let it happen!

Narrator: For example, kindergarten teacher Miss Take. Or former gym teacher Mr. Roids. Or first-grade teacher Ms. Align.

George: But this time, we're not gonna wait. We're gonna get the new Spanish teacher before he gets us.

Harold: Preemptive prank! Prank first, ask questions later, let Krupp sort it out.

[Scene cuts to some random aliens in a UFO]

Unnamed Alien: Wait. Are you sure we're on the right planet? This doesn't look like anything I've seen- [He see's Harolds haircut] WHAT IS THAT!?

Gabba-Gabba: What? What is it?

Unnamed Alien: Gabba-Gabba, just GO!

Gabba-Gabba: Okay, okay.

Unnamed Alien: OMG! THAT THING WAS SO SCARY!! Did you see it's head?? So. Big! Who knows how many weapons are hiding in there?

Gabba-Gabba: Heyy, did you leave the trunk open?

Unnamed Alien: Who cares? Just, GO!

Narrator: Why are you seeing a strange black robe falling out of a spaceship and landing in a tree across from a pet store? There's probably a good reason. I dunno. No one tells me anything.

[Theme Song plays]

George and Harold: The Jarring Jerkiness of Judge J.O.R.T.S.!

Chapter One: Pranks For The Enemies[]

[George laughs]

Harold: So good.

Jerry Citizen: [Walks in] Ah! Oh!

[Laughter]

Jerry: [Stutters a bit] Hola, students. Mi nombre is Señor Citizen. Oh, please don't mind my sorts, I have a skin condition.

Harold: Here we go! [Excitement noises]

[Mischievous orchestral music plays as George and Harold's prank begins like a Rube Goldberg machine]

[George and Harold laughing]

[A fishing hook wedgies Jerry into the air, and he bursts into tears]

Harold: Huh?

George: Uh...

Harold: Yeah, what he said.

Jerry: Aah! [Cries even more] I am such a failure in life!

George: Ok, now I feel really guilty.

Harold: Ditto.

Jerry: My real name isn't even Señor Citizen! It's plain old Mr. Jerry Citizen! I was stupid to think I could teach! I only got this job because your principal will hire anyone to be a teacher! ANYONE!

[Scene quickly goes into an interlude]

Mr. Krupp: Okay, and you-- All right, you went to the... Ok, so it says here you're a toddler.

[A baby takes a bottle out his mouth]

Mr. Krupp: Ok, can you speak? 'Cause you might need to speak to teach fifth grade. [The baby throws his bottle at Mr. Krupp] Haha, I like your energy! You're hired!

[Baby starts vomiting]

Jerry: And I don't even speak Spanish! I should just go lay down and never get up again!

Melvin Sneedly: Unacceptable! I need to be fluent in six languages to get into Elitinati Academy, you walking disappointment! [Gets wedgied and hung in the air] [Gasps for air]

Harold: Nice call on the backup prank.

George: I came here to prank and to chew gum, and we're not allowed to chew gum.

[They get out of their seats and press a button, which leaves Jerry free]

Harold: We're really sorry, we didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

George: Is there anything we can do to cheer you up?

Jerry: [Sniffs] Um, well, an Alaskan Cruise with my mom.

[Ship horn blows]

Harold: Uhh...

Jerry: Or, uh, I like comic books.

[George gasps, energetic orchestral music]

Narrator: George and Harold had never met a grown-up who liked comics, let alone a teacher.

Harold: There's hope for the guy after all!

George: I bet if we make a comic for him, we'll totally stop feeling bad about what we did.

[Door creaks open]

Mr. Krupp: Hey! Just checking in on the new teacher. What's that? Did I get a new haircut? Oh, heheheheh, yes I did! Thank you for noticing. Eheheheheh. No, I d-- it just happened. I'm sorry, what's that? You think it brings out my eyes? Is that what I heard? I heard somebody very distinctly say that. Uh-huh. Oh, great. No, I ha-- I hadn't noticed. Neheheh.

Narrator: Ahem... Anyway...

Harold: Comic?

George: Yeah, lets do it.

Chapter Two: Captain Underpants and the Jaw-dropping Justice Judge J.O.R.T.S.! (...by George Beard and Harold Hutchins)[]

Comic Narrator: So, Captain Underpants was always saving the day from bad stuff, but he got tired of fighting bad stuff all alone, and he wanted a sidekick. Luckily, a new hero moved to town. "I'm Judge J.O.R.T.S.!"And he was all "The J.O.R.T.S. stands for Justice, Order, Righteousness, Tenacity, Shorts! Also, I wear jorts! Know anybody that needs a super sidekick?" Captain Underpants was all like, "Do I???" Like, with three question marks, 'cause he did. It was big deal, which is good, 'cause there was a new, very annoying bad guy in town. "Hi, I'm the Whimpering Whiner!" He whined so loud, it made buildings blow up. So he whined. "I'm tired! I need a power adapter for my European hair dryer! Wah!" He blew up all the buildings everywhere! Crackle! Blage! Blooge! Crr... And the president was all, "Oh, no, my precious buildings and stuff!" Booge! So Captain Underpants flinged underwears at the Whimpering Whiner. Fling fling! But he dodged them and whined extra-high whines that knocked Captain Underpants out! And it's true, 'cause Captain Underpants was all, "Oh, no, I'm so knocked out!" So, Judge J.O.R.T.S. had to save the day. Luckily, he was as smart as he was handsome and strong, and not at all, like, a failure in life or Spanish. So he whipped up a giant robe shield that bounced all the whiny whines back at the Whimpering Whiner. Bounce, whine, whine. Bounce, whine. Then, while Melvin- Er, I mean the Whimpering Whiner was dodging his own whines, Judge J.O.R.T.S. pulled out his giant gavel of justice and conked the Whimpering Whiner with an energy whack, and he was all, "Order in the jorts!" WHACK! And Judge J.O.R.T.S. saved the day. Then everyone was happy forever, 'cause Judge J.O.R.T.S. was so awesome and handsome and smart. Okay, the end!

[End of Comic segment]

[Jerry laughs]

Jerry: Hahaha! I love this so much!

George: Well, looks like Operation: Feel Good is-

Harold: -all done. Another successful mission.

Jerry: George and Harold, you're geniuses. Now I know why I've always been a failure!

Harold: You... do?

Jerry: Yah! It's 'cause I've been avoiding my true calling-- Superhero!

[Glass breaking sound effect]

George: Yeah... That's not the takeaway at all.

Harold: And, I mean, you don't have superpowers!

Jerry: Superpowers! Yes. Of course! Great idea! I'll go get superpowers! [Laughs, then trips, groaning] [Makes his way out of the room, injuring himself clumsily]

Harold: Well, that feels like it might come back to bite us.

George: True. But more importantly, he's gone.

Harold: No-teacher party!

[Dance music as it shows the class partying, and also Melvin being fed up]

[George changes a sign up]

George: 'Smelly meat farts win money!'

[George and Harold laugh]

Harold: So good.

[Scene cuts]

Melvin: Please. George and Harold won't get away with their slanderous prose. No one makes Melvin Sneedly look ridiculous! Karaoke Kitty, let us do the victory dance.

[Various music plays until it finally stops on an energetic drum tune]

[Melvin and Karaoke Kitty do the Awesome Victory Dance™]

Chapter Three: From Zero to Hero[]

Narrator: Meanwhile, Jerry was running all over Piqua, looking for a way to get superpowers.

Jerry: Ah! Oh! [Sighs] Hey, do you guys sell pets? Wait. Hey, you guys sell pets, right?

Teenage pet store cashier: Uh, I'm required to say 'yes'.

Jerry: [Gasps] Good. Do you sell... radioactive pets? Because I need one to bite me sooo I can get superpowers!

Teenage pet store cashier: Uhh, we're sold out.

Jerry: NO! [Starts sobbing] No. Why? Why-eeeeeee? Why-eeeeeeeeee? [Continues sobbing] Well, I guess thats it for me. [Cries] Whoa. Is that a superhero cape, maybe left here by aliens that gives whoever wears it superpowers? [Gasps] Oh. Nope. Just a dumb robe. Well, I guess I'll go back to having a nervous breakdown. [Wails, cries]

[The super alien robe attaches itself to Jerry]

Jerry: Huh? Whoa! Oh!!

Narrator: Most robes are harmless. This one gives somebody superpowers.

Jerry: Whoa! It is a superhero cape that was left here by aliens that gives whoever wears it superpowers!

[Dance music as it cuts back to the no-teacher party]

[Crash]

Jerry: Wah! ...........Hello. [Grunts] Mm.

George: Is that our Spanish teacher?

Judge JORTS: I am Judge JORTS! Justice! Order! Righteousness! Tenacity! Shorts!

George: Um...

Harold: Yeah, what he said.

Judge JORTS: Guys, look! I found this cool robe, and it gave me powers!

Melvin: [Overhears] Powers?

Judge JORTS: I'm a real superhero, just like in your comic! [Hollers] Every single thing I do from here on out will be entirely because of you two.

George and Harold: Uhh...

Judge JORTS: Well! I'm off. And when people thank me for saving them, I'm gonna tell them to thank you instead.

George: That guy is just gonna destroy the whole town! We got to stick close and watch him.

Harold: But in some unnecessary and fun way.

[George picks up the comic and they have a look]

Comic Narrator: -but he got tired of fighting bad stuff all alone, he wanted a sidekick.

George: Yes! Hey Jerry! How would you like a couple of sidekicks?

Jerry: [Falls] Ah! [Flies back up] I've never wanted anything more! Ha ha! [Flies them away]

Melvin: George and Harold want that fool to succeed, so I must do everything in my power to sabotage him! First, I gotta figure out how that robe works.

[Door creaks open and Mr. Krupp walks in, ignoring the wrecked classroom]

Mr. Krupp: Ahhehehehem! Uh, howdy, everyone. Having a class? Eheheheh. [Silence. Blink.] What's that? I heard- I heard somebody ask- something different about my hair? Oh, uh, I don't know. Maybeeee..... [Laughs] [Silence] [Dressy Killman fires what seems to be a toy gun at Gooch Yamaguchi] My hair.

Chapter Four: Side Ache[]

[Heroic music as George and Harold gear up to become sidekicks]

George: ...Yeah, we should have taken a little more time on our sidekick outfits.

Harold: Or, we should just be honest and tell Jerry he's not cut out to be a superhero.

George: No way, man! Do you want to start feeling guilty again?

Harold: Where'd Jerry go, anyway?

[People screaming]

George: Just follow the screams.

[They run off, but a car almost hits them, they scream]

[Scene cuts to Judge JORTS trying to figure out his powers with George and Harold]

[Judge JORTS bumps into a tree which causes the trees to fall like dominos and they are about to hit an Old Lady]

[George and Harold gasp, and quickly push her out the way]

Judge JORTS: Teamwork! Haha!

[Chaos as Judge JORTS grunts]

[He goes up to a bank being robbed]

Judge JORTS: Be sort of calm, citizens! [He flies up and accidentally breaks the bank] Judge JORTS is here to, uh... save the, uh... [He has broken the vault with a bunch of money inside open] ...save the day? [Whimpers] Well, that could have gone better. [Cries] WHY-EEEEEEEEEE? MAn, I can't do anything right! [Sobbing]

Chapter Five: A New Mope[]

Judge JORTS: [Groans] [Sighs] I'm done being a hero.

Narrator: For one brief, shining moment, the boys felt incredible relief.

Judge JORTS: But first, I wanna thank you boys. If it wasn't for you, I never would have followed my dreams, so I could learn, once and for all, that I am the only human being alive who doesn't deserve dreams! WHY-EEEEEEEE? [Cries] WHY-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!? [Crying]

Narrator: Jerry was a real sad sack.

Harold: Not helping.

Narrator: Just saying.

[A beautiful blue bird chirps cutely, then poops on Judge JORTS]

Judge JORTS: [Sighs] I deserve that.

[The bird flies away, to which a bigger, kind of ugly bird sits on the branch and prepares her bottom for flatulence]

[Bird honks]

Judge JORTS: Bring it.

George: If we don't cheer him up, we're gonna feel guilty for the rest of our lives, and then some.

[Scene cuts to an Old George and Harold]

Old George: Still feel guilty?

Old Harold: Yup.

[Scene cuts to an Older George and Harold]

Older Harold: Still feel guilty?

Older George: Yep. [His fake teeth fall out of his mouth] RRYep.

[Scene cuts to George and Harolds gravestones, which reads...]

George's voice: We still feel guilty.

Harold's voice: Me too.

[Scene cuts back to George and Harold]

Harold: But if we cheer him up and he thinks he's a superhero again, Piqua might not survive!

Narrator: There seems to be no good solution for our pals George and Harold.

[The big bird lays an egg and it lands in Judge JORTS' arms]

Judge JORTS: [Grunts uncertainly] [Egg hatches] Aww! [The baby bird poops on him] Oh.

George: [Laughing] Man, those birds came to poop!

[The bird snatches her baby and flies away]

Judge JORTS: Look, a JORTS signal! This city needs me after all!

George: What? A JORTS signal?? How???

Judge JORTS: Haha! Judge JORTS is back in session! Why-eeeeee NOT!?

Harold: Woah! Wait!

Narrator: Did Piqua really want Judge JORTS to save it?

Chapter Six: Absolutely Not.[]

[Judge JORTS flies to the building where the signal is]

Judge JORTS: Ah!

Melvin: Glad my Jorts-Signal 2000 caught your eye, as Piqua is in danger. BEHOLD!

[Melvin brings some binoculars to Judge JORTS' eyes]

Judge JORTS: What, the tree?

Melvin: No, the pipe!

Judge JORTS: You mean that bird?

Melvin: WHAT!? No! THE PIPE DUMPING THE TOXIC WASTE!! IT'S THE BIGGEST THING DOWN THERE!!!

Judge JORTS: Oh! I gotta go stop that!

[Melvin snips a bit of Judge JORTS' robe, and it growls at him]

Narrator: 'Why is there toxic waste pouring down the river by the school, and how did Melvin know?' `is what you're wondering. I dunno. No one tells me anything.

Judge JORTS: Thanks for the heads up, unsettling kid on the roof of the school at night by himself! Jorts! [He flies up and then down on top of the pipes] Ah!

George: Hey, is he saving the day for real?

Harold: Jerry, you're doing it! You're superhero-ing!

Jerry: Uh hey, hey, what's happening!?

Narrator: Good question. Let's ask some aliens.

[Scene cuts back to Gabba-Gabba and Unnamed Alien]

Gabba-Gabba: Heyy, did you leave the trunk open?

Unnamed Alien: Who cares? Just, GO!

Gabba-Gabba: We got robes back there. If one fell out and bonded with the DNA of a human-

Unnamed Alien: I know that! Now let's get out of here before this smelly planet is totally destroyed. GO!

[Scene cuts back to Judge JORTS. He grunts before punching himself.]

Judge JORTS: Ow! Oh! This thing has completely- Ow! -dominated me! ow!

Harold: Hey, why'd you do that?!

Judge JORTS: I didn't! My body's moving on it's own! Help me! Ow! Oh! Ow!

Unnamed man: Hey!

[Punching noises]

Judge JORTS: Why-ee? Ow!

George: Um, I feel like it might be time for Captain Underpants!

Harold: Good call.

[Mr. Krupp has put on a wig and is looking at himself in a mirror]

[George and Harold enter]

Mr. Krupp: Aah! [He flicks the lever which causes the office counter to ding]

Harold: Aw, man!

Mr. Krupp: What are you doing in here? Let me guess... Stopping by to tell me how amazing my hair looks? Eheheheh... Oh, stop.

George: Um...

Harold: Yeah.. what he said.

[George snaps his fingers]

[Captain Underpants changes off screen, and Mr. Krupp's big wig lands of George's head. Harold laughs]

Captain Underpants: Tra-la-laaaaa! Hey! What's shakin', bacons?

Judge JORTS: [Breaks into the wall] [Cries in agony] It made me punch a beehive! Ow! Ow! Why, bees?

George: We have a problem.

Captain Underpants: Well then I'm that problem's problem!

Chapter Seven: The Incredibly Graphic Violence Chapter presented in Her-O-Rama[]

Narrator: We usually make things less violent. Some of you wanted a darker, grittier Captain Underpants. Voila. First Blood! Moral dilemma...

[Brooding music]

Captain Underpants: What gives me the right to take justice into my own hands?!

Narrator: Triumphant climax!

[Dramatic music]

[O-rama sequence ends]

Harold: We did it!

Jerry: Did what? [The robe growls] Ow! Why-eee?! Why-eee!?

George: Did you see that? It needs to attach to someone. Ok. We gotta knock that thing off of Jerry and trap--

Melvin: Hello, powerless humans!! I'm here to ensure your friend will never be the hero you want him to be, thanks to my Wrathrobe 2000! Hahaha!

George: Uh, Melvin, why are you wearing your mom's bathrobe?

Narrator: He has a good reason.

[Scene cuts to Melvin, earlier]

Melvin: By splicing the DNA of this mystery robe with my mother's chenille robe... I can make my own super-robe! Karaoke Kitty, lets rock.

[Energetic drum music plays as Melvin and Karaoke Kitty do the Awesome Victory Dance™]

Chapter Eight: Two Robes Don't Make A Right[]

George: Melvin, take off that robe before it's too late!

Melvin: Ha! You simple-twins can't trick me!

Narrator: Little did Melvin know, mixing an alien robe with a mom robe speeds up how fast the robe takes over its host, so, too late was coming in three, two...

[The robe covers Melvin's head entirely]

Melvin: No big deal! I'm in control! [He gets bashed into the ground] I'm still in control! [Screams as he is launched everywhere] [Coughs] I- It's- It's possible I... may be losing control..!

George: Captain Underpants, quick, punch Melvin out of that thing!

Melvin: WHAT!? Is that really the best way to get me out of the robe?!

[WrathRobe 2000 growls, sniffs, then looks at the other robe]

[Romantic music]

Melvin: The robe! It wants to be whole again!

Harold: What the heck is happening?

[The robes hug and their DNA bonds]

Melvin: This is an unprecedented robe event! I'm in uncharted folds here!

[The robes are now one big robe]

Robe: [Growls]

Captain Underpants: Whoaaaaaaaa!

George: That can't be good.

Harold: Captain Underpants, think you can knock that thing off Melvin?

Captain Underpants: [Tying a bandana around his head] Does a horse ribbit?

Animated stick puppet of a horse: Ribbit.

George: A frog ribbits.

Captain Underpants: Ho ho. My mistake. Also, I can't see.

[The boys run and scream, the robe crushes Captain Underpants]

Melvin: We've crossed the robe-icon!

Captain Underpants: Here kitty! Here kitty! Ooh, here kitty! Ooh! Here kitty! Kit-- [His bandana gets knocked off] Hey hey, I can see- OW!

[Dramatic music plays as the two fight]

Harold: He might need some help this time!

Jerry: Haha, help? That's a job for Judge JORTS... even though I lost my powers.

Narrator: George and Harold were done feeling guilty about Jerry.

George: You know what, Jerry? Uh, you can help by not helping.

Harold: Yeah, you're a nice guy, and one day you're gonna find your thing.

George: But being a hero? Not it.

[Jerry cries]

Narrator: But then they felt guilty again. Pick a lane, guys.

George: [Sighs] Jerry, wait up!

Jerry: Why? Whoa! [He grunts goofily] [He starts walking strongly and then he starts rolling and then he bumps into the robe setting Melvin free]

[Robe roars]

[Captain Underpants grunts as he punches the robe, but then the robe gets on him]

Captain Underpants: The robe's making me fight myself!

Harold: What now? He's the only one strong enough to punch that robe off!

George: Maybe that toxic waste can help us! Captain Underpants, super-punch yourself towards the river really, really hard!

Captain Underpants: Ha! Okey-dokey! Ow!

Narrator: And... we're back where we started.

George: Keep punching!

[Captain Underpants yelps as his tooth gets knocked out]

Captain Underpants: Oh! Hang on to that! It's my chewing tooth! [He groans and hen punches the robe into the waste, and continues groaning until he faints]

George: [Sighs] It's finally over.

[Dramatic music as the robe tries it's best to get out the water, but screams in agony as it sinks]

Jerry: Wha- What happened?

George: You saved the day, that's what!

Harold: He did?

Jerry: Really? How?

George: So, er, first you were like, uh, "Stop doing bad stuff, evil weird thing!"

Harold: And it was all, "I'm so evil, I'll never stop doing bad stuff!"

George: So you kicked it so hard in the butt, that its butt flew off!

Jerry: That thing had a butt?

George: Uhh, I think all things have butts.

Harold: Yah, and when his butt flew off, the robe was like "Life's too short. I'm done."

George: And you saved the day so much the mayor bought you lunch!

Harold: And five ladies fell in love with you.

George: Ten! But they took off, 'cause they had work. Which is why they're not here.

Jerry: Oh. Wow, I actually saved the day!

George: Yep, and if I were you, I'd go out on a high note. Retire now.

Harold: Right, 'cause that's the last bad thing that'll happen in Piqua.

George: Is what the mayor said at lunch, so it must be true.

Jerry: Well, if the mayor said so, I guess I can retire. And y'know, frankly, I'm relieved. From now on, I'm gonna aim low and leave the hero stuff to someone more qualified.

Captain Underpants: Oh, yeah! Like a guy with volcano powers! [He sees his reflection in the water] Oh no! I'm drowning! I gotta save me! Ah! Agh!

Mr. Krupp: Ahh! It burns!!! [He grows a third ear on the top of his head] [Gasps] One, two, three!? That's too many ears! AAH! THAT'S TOO MANY EARS!! AAH! -What's that? Did I hear somebody say-- Yes! Ha, I did get my hair recently-- NOO! WHERES MY HAIR!?!? AAH! [Faints]

Melvin: This isn't over! You're all going to suffer! Starting with-- [He gets pooped on by the big bird from earlier] [Starts crying]

Narrator: And then... It was over... almost.

[Camera pans back into the sewers]

Narrator: Why are you seeing this? Well, you'll probably find out in a future episode. Or not. [The robe comes up, now the Splotch, and he growls] Seriously, they don't tell me anything.

[Episode ends]

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