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[Episode begins]

[Narrator]

Toilet paper: One of mankind's crowning achievements. Without it, we'd have to use leaves, or newspaper, or a horse. [Horse whinnies] And no one loves TP more than George and Harold. Not for its intended use, but for pranks.

[Mr. Krupp growls]

[Mr. Krupp screams]

[Mr. Krupp hyper ventilates]

[George and Harold laugh]

[George Beard]

Man, I love TP.

[Harold Hutchins]

Same! Haha.

[Mr. Krupp]

I'm running out of oxygen!

[Theme Song begins]

[George and Harold]

So George and Harold make comic books.

[George]

We're cool.

[Harold]

Me too!

[George and Harold]

But they had a mean old principal who told them what to-

[Mr. Krupp]

Blah Blah Blah Blah...!

[George and Harold]

So they got a Hypno-Ring and first they made him dance, then accidentally, kinda on purpose, turned him into Captain Underpants!

[Captain Underpants]

Traa-La-Laaaaaa!

]George and Harold]

Snap, he's the captain, not the brightest man, and don't forget when he gets wet, you're back where you began!

[Mr. Krupp]

Blah Blah Blah...!

[George and Harold]

Put it all together, what could possibly go wrong? Now this is the end of the Captain Underpants song! By George Beard and Harold Hutchins.

[Captain Underpants]

Traa-La-Laaaaaa!

[Theme song ends]

[George and Harold]

The Terrifying Perilous Misfortune of the T.P. Mummy!

Chapter 1: T. P. T. O. (That means: Toilet Paper Time-Out.)[]

[Narrator]

While George and Harold had successfully TP'd most items in Piqua, they had their eyes on an even bigger prize.

[George]

TPing the entire school is gonna be the greatest prank ever!

[Harold]

We're gonna be legends!

[George]

Good thing we have a TP TeePee!

[Harold]

It's the best TP only store that only sells TP!

[The door opens, revealing a security guard]

[Security Guard]

Sorry guys, you're banned.

[George]

Banned? For what?

[Security Guard]

Too much TPing! Your Principal, Mr. Krupp, sent this over.

[Harold]

Woah. Nice poster.

[George]

Can we have it?

[Security Guard]

No.

[Door slams]

[Harold]

Great. What are we gonna do now?

[George]

[Pulls out a toilet paper roll] Don't worry buddy, we still got-

[Security Guard]

No, you don't.

[Harold]

Aw, man.

[Scene cuts]

[Random kids walk by Erica Wang, high-fiving her]

[Kid #1]

Hey there Er...

[Kid #2]

...ica.

[George]

Erica, you don't know where we could get, like, a thousand rolls of toilet paper?

[Harold]

We were on the verge of pulling an epic TP prank! We would've been legends.

[Erica]

Oh, so you're giving up? Legends don't give up - Legends like Horatio Dump!

[Harold, reading]

'Horatio Dump. He never gave up.'

[Horse neighs into a flashback]

[Erica]

Long ago, people threw their trash wherever. Then Horatio Dump said, "Trash belongs in one place, not all over!" people hated him for it! But he never. Gave. Up. [End of flashback] And thats why the place where trash goes is named-

[Harold]

The Horatio?

[Erica]

...The dump.

[George]

That's made up.

[Erica]

No. Thats tenacity.

[George and Harold]

Whoaaa!

[Harold]

Cool! Whats tenacity?

[George]

Erica?

[Harold]

She's like batman.

[George]

Minus the angry mumbling.

[Scene cuts]

[Truck beeping]

[Mr. Krupp screams]

[Mr. Krupp]

Mr. Ree, Mr. Ree! Thats fancy French toilet paper, not a sack of potatoes!

[Narrator]

This is Mr. Ree, the school janitor. He's a dedicated employee, and definitely doesn't have a secret past. ...Ooh, I've said too much...

[Mysterious chords play]

[Mr. Ree]

Three-ply, quilted, plush weave. Not the usual sandpaper you order. Whats the occasion?

[Mr. Krupp]

We have a new French teacher, and I want her to have the best.

[Mr. Ree]

So, you got a crush on the 'ooh-la-la'?

[Mr. Krupp]

What?! Thats ridiculous! It's not like I want to take long walks at the movies, trading butterfly kisses or- or anything!

[Mr. Ree]

Whatever floats your boat, chief.

[Mr. Krupp]

My boat floats fine!

[Mr. Ree]

...Liar.

[Mr. Krupp]

What!?

[Mr. Ree]

Yeah, you heard me. [More toilet paper throwing] Thanks, Marge!

[Delivery truck drives away]

[Mr. Krupp]

Now. Guard this toilet paper with your life! It was very expensive! ...So expensive, I had to use most of your salary to pay for it.

Chapter 2: Kruppy love.[]

[Narrator]

This is Ms. Yewh, the new French teacher. [French accent] She loves anything French. [Normal voice] And she always wanted to go to Paris, but she'd settle for French speaking Canada.

[Ms. Yewh]

The best way to learn French is my speaking French, which means in my French class, we will only speak en Français. Oui? (in French. Yes?)

[Harold]

If we're banned from the TP TeePee, where are we gonna get TP?

[George]

Uh, the bathroom?

[Harold]

Smart.

[George]

Uh, excuse me, we got to go use the bathroom.

[Harold]

Yeah, me too!

[Ms. Yewh]

In French.

[George]

You want us to go to the bathroom "in French"?

[Ms. Yewh]

Oui, oui. (Yes, yes.)

[George and Harold burst out laughing]

[Narrator]

We apologise for using a joke that is over 280 years old.

[Ms. Yewh]

Sit, s'il vous plaît! (Please)

[George]

Dang.

[Mr. Krupp walks in covered in fancy but tight clothing]

[He grunts]

[Ms. Yewh]

Huh?

[Harold]

What the?

[Mr. Krupp]

Ms. Yewh, er... [Chuckles nervously] [Stuggles] I just wanted to make sure you're settling in and to see if you had any questions-

[George]

I have a question - Why are you wearing skinny jeans?

[Mr. Krupp]

No more questions, you two!

[Harold]

Did you join a band?!

[Mr. Krupp]

[Growls] Go stand at the window and pick out the dumpster you'll be living in after you flunk out of French class!

[George]

Ok.

[Mr. Krupp]

Anyway... Do you have anything you need? Chalk- [Fake shirt front flips of his head] AHH- [Clears throat] Uh, anyway, theres a new teacher orientation this afternoon. It's gonna be a blast! And it's... [Sing-song voice] mandatory!

[George]

This is our current TP inventory!?

[Harold]

Seven squares!? This couldn't even cover a- [Gasps] Holy cow! George, look! Woah... a TP mother load...

[George]

It's a TP TD!

[Harold]

So good.

[Mr. Krupp]

You're not getting anything except a talking to in my office. NOW!

[George]

Ok.

[Mr. Krupp awkwardly struggles out the door]

[Counter dings]

[Mr. Krupp]

That toilet paper is for Ms. Yewh and Ms. Yewh only.

[George]

She must go to the bathroom alot.

[Harold]

Yeah. Thats alot of 'Oui, oui'! (Yes, yes)

[Narrator]

Ooh, we're sorry again.

[Mr. Krupp]

She's an excellent teacher with a great head of hair, and she smells like Saint Patricks day.

[Harold]

...What?

[Mr. Krupp]

So keep your grubby little paws off the toilet paper, or else.

[George]

Or else what?

[Mr. Krupp]

You- You know what else!

[Harold]

You don't have anything, do you?

[Mr. Krupp]

GET OUT!

[George and Harold laugh]

[George]

Lets roll - TP roll!

[Triumphant music]

[George and Harold]

Yeah!

[Mr. Krupp]

Nope. [Many tries and failures of George and Harold trying to steal toilet paper] Not yours. For Ms. Yewh!

[George]

We're never gonna get that TP.

[Harold]

He's keeping all of that for Ms. Yewh. She's the problem!

[George]

You're right. So... what if we get rid of Ms. Yewh?

[Harold]

You mean like...

[George]

YES! We make a comic to embarrass her so much, she quits!

[Harold]

It's worked before! ...well, by accident. [Chuckles]

Comic: Captain Underpants and and the Quarrelsome Tyranny of Queen Tootenfarti! (By George Beard and Harold Hutchins)[]

[Comic Narrator]

Once, there was this annoying French teacher who was awful and really loved French stuff and made all the kids talk French, like, "Oui oui!" "Oui oui." One day, she took the kids in a field trip in a bus and stuff. They were all, "Yay," Until they found out it was a museum to see French junk. "Le boring!" "I le know!" but first, they had to walk through the mummy exhibit. The mummy was Queen Tootenfarti, an Ancient Egyptian Queen. The sign said "Don't touch the mummy!" But the teacher did 'cause she's dumb, and the mummy woke up, and she farted her mummy spirit into the teacher who made the teacher the mummy. Her face got all rotten and yucky. She scared all the kids "Groan! Groan in French!" Captain Underpants flew in, "Tra-la-la-la-la! Stop, mummy!" and she's all "I will eat you, 'cause I'm hungry." Also in French. Captain Underpants is like, "So? Me too! I had to leave dinner with my Mummy to come fight you, mummy!" The mummy attacked, but he could see she was kinda sad and stuff. Captain Underpants thought, "Hey, she was in a box, like, very long! She must be lonely!" So he wrapped himself in toilet paper and made her think he was her boyfriend. "You're so pretty, grr and groan!" She fell for it and he grabbed her hand, but 'cause she was a million years old, it crushed to dust! "Oops." said Captain Underpants and the mummy was all, "Now I'm mad and French!" which, is, super dangerous! She attacked! She, like, threw out all This old stuff and went, "Oui oui, oui, oui, oui, oui!" All over the place. He fell inside a car-sar-ca-gophulous box! She was gonna eat Captain Underpants! But then someone came, and hit her on the head with a frying pan and knocked her out! "Who did that?" Said the kids. And captain underpants said, "Why, thats my mummy!" and it was! It was his Mum who stopped the old French Fartentooti and saved the day. The end.

[End of Comic]

[Harold]

So, how long before Ms. Yewh quits?

[George]

All she has to do is read the comic, get mad, fill out all of the paperwork-

[Harold]

So..... how long?

[George]

Six to eight years.

[Harold]

[Groans] We can't wait that long!

[Mr. Ree]

You two. Got a major gravy spill in the kitchen. Need your help.

[George]

You want us to wipe up gravy?

[Mr. Ree]

No [Laughs] you're not certified for that. I need you to guard that toilet paper.

[Both gasping and shouting excitedly]

[Narrator]

You see, Mr. Krupp asked Mr. Ree to guard the toilet paper, but neglected to say from whom - Meaning fortuitous error for George and Harold and this story.

[George and Harold, singing]

TP!

[George, Singing]

It's not just for tushies! It can also be for pranks!

And it's really a gas!

[Harold, singing]

Thats gas as in funny, not gas as in farty!

'Cause pranking with TP-

[George and Harold, singing]

Is always a blast!

[George]

We're so close, almost legends!

[Harold]

Just gotta cover this last bit. Lets hit it!

[Mr. Krupp]

Now I know you like French stuff, and I know you like to go to the bathroom, so I got you a little surprise. [Mr. Krupp and Ms. Yewh gasp] Oh, no, eternal winter! [He screams as he breaks the toilet paper]

[George and Harold shouting as they TP the last bit of Jerome Horwitz]

[They fall on Mr. Krupp and the three get bundled up in a ball of Toilet paper]

[Mr. Krupp Splutters angrily]

[Harold]

No!

[George]

We're not finished!

[Mr. Krupp]

Oh, yes, you are. And after you clean up this mess, you're gonna mow the entire football field!

[George]

That doesn't sound so bad.

[Mr. Krupp]

With your teeth!

[Harold]

What!? How do we do that!?

[Mr. Krupp]

With your teeth!

[George]

But... how do we do that?

[Mr. Krupp]

With your.... WITH YOUR TEETH!!! [Groans angrily]

[George]

Just wanted to see if he'd say it three times.

[Harold]

So good.

Chapter 3: Royal Flush.[]

[George]

[Sigh] We were so close. This is gonna take forever!

[Harold]

If only someone invented a device to get rid of toilet paper quickly, perhaps using water to flush it away!

[George]

Wait. They did!

[Angelic choir vocalises as the scene zooms out of a toilet]

[Toilet flushing]

[George]

It's working!

[Harold]

Almost done!

[George]

Dang, we're good.

[Harold]

Even when we don't wanna do it.

[George giggles]

[Rumbling]

[Scene cuts]

[Mr. Krupp]

Listen up, hairnets, I've got a very important date- er, uh, new teachers orientation, and everything needs to be perfect!

[Lunch lady #1]

I'll get the paper plates.

[Mr. Krupp]

Paper!? What are you- Plastic! The good plastic. Now, Ms. Yewh likes French stuff, so make the cafeteria look like French. And, make some Escargot, whatever that is. [Rumbling] And clean up this dump! ...What is this? A comic? [Reading] 'Annoying French teacher', 'Queen Tootenfarti', [Gasps] Sacré bleu! (Oh my gosh!) That's a French word from the internet. ...Don't worry, my sweet. I'll make sure you never see this, I swear!

[Lunch lady #2]

Uhh...

[Scene cuts]

[Mr. Krupp]

Give me those comics! [Grunts] Give me that! And- Oof! That! Ough! [Grunting] Thats all of 'em... I think. [Comics flush] [Rumbling]

[Narrator]

But he thinks wrong. There was one left.

[Ms. Yewh]

What? Quoi? Moi? (What? Me?)

[Scene cuts]

[George]

Easiest cleanup ever.

[Harold]

Yep, we worked smarter, not harder, heh. [Rumbling] [Water spraying] Hey... are your feet wet?

[George]

That can't be good.

Chapter 4: No, it can't.[]

[Harold]

We gotta unclog these toilets, or Mr. Krupp is gonna flush us!

[George]

Relax, buddy, we're golden. Look! [Grabs a bottle] [Reading] 'Gone to the clogs mega ultra maximum strange clog remover.'

[Harold]

[Reading] 'Just use one drop'. Hmm....

[George]

How 'bout the whole jug?

[Liquid splashing, bubbling]

[Mr. Ree]

[Gasps] The whole jug? You've zoomed us all! That stuffs experimental, unpredictable, and kind of pricey!

[Narrator]

The pipes at Jerome Horowitz were rated to handle the flushing of exactly 47 comics, one gallon of de-clogger, and 500 rolls of toilet paper. As long as no-one flushes one more...

[Ms. Yewh]

Quoi!? Garbáge! (What? Garbage!) [She flushed one more comic]

[Narrator]

That would be the one more.

[Ms. Yewh]

Oh, poo. [Screaming hoarsely]

[T.P. Mummy (aka Ms. Yewh)]

I am the Queen! The Queen of TP! [Growls] Oui, Oui, Oui! [Growls] Oui! [Crashes into the room George and Harold are in] I am the TP Mummy! Give me TP! [Growls] Oui, oui, oui!

[George]

Ok. The whole jug was too much!

[Harold]

We're gonna die!

[Mr. Ree]

If you wanna live... Come with me. [He pushes the two boys into the entrance of his secret hideout, they scream]

[TP Mummy groans]

Chapter 5: Speed hating.[]

[Mr. Krupp]

Ah, Ms. Yewh.

[TP Mummy]

[Growls] Oui oui!

[Mr. Krupp]

I, um, uh, huh... See you've draped yourself in wet toilet paper. Is that the latest French style? [TP Mummy growls] Eheh... What? Ah, look! As you can see, I'm a big French fan myself! WHAT IS THAT!?

[Lunch Ladie #1]

Escargot. Snails.

[Mr. Krupp]

Snail? UH, yes, heh, of course! Mmm! [Snail shell shattering] Hmm, so French. Heh, Want-

[TP Mummy]

I want all the TP! And once I have it, all will bow down before me or never go to the bathroom again!

[Mr. Krupp]

Uh, well thats, uh thats a big ask. Oof!

[Scene cuts]

[George and Harold gasp]

[George]

Whoaaa!

[Harold]

I can't believe theres a secret toilet lab under the school!

[Mr. Ree]

No one's supposed to know, but that monster was gonna get you, so I had no choice.

[George]

So, what, you're some kinda secret toilet agent?

[Mr. Ree]

Used to be. I was in charge of making TERDS.

[Harold]

Gross!

[Mr. Ree]

It's an acronym! It stands for Toilet Eliminator of Really Dangerous Stuff.

[George]

But if you were a secret toilet guy, why did you work at the school?

[Mr. Ree]

Eh, mainly, I get to keep anything thats been in the lost and found for more than a month.

[Toy squeaks]

[George]

Really? Thats it?

[Dramatic music as Mr. Ree grunts and twitches]

[Mr. Ree]

Alright, alright. I'll tell you. Just quit hounding me, will ya?! In the late 1990s, the government hired me to make TERDS, a huge, massive toilet to eliminate the most serious threats on earth - poisonous chemicals, weapons of mass destruction, envelopes.

[George]

Envelopes?

[Mr. Ree]

Ever gotten a paper cut from one of those bad boys? Anyway... During our fist offical test flush, the handle got stuck. Massive flooding. I tried to jiggle it, but the handle wouldn't budge. I jiggled. I jiggled and jiggled and jiggled and jiggled and jiggled until... [Dramatic flashback noises] People got hurt. It was all my fault. They shut us down, and I left TERDS behind me, shattered.

[Harold]

Wait a minute! M- Maybe we could use TERDS to stop that mummy!

[George]

You can't give up. If Horatio Dump had given up, there'd be trash everywhere!

[Mr. Ree]

Horatio Dump? The Horatio Dump? He's the reason I got into the field of elimination sciences!

[Harold]

So, your in? Cause we really need your TERDS.

[George]

You gotta help us!

[Harold]

Come on!

[Mr. Ree]

[Struggled grunting] Stop, just stop! Don't you see? Don't you get it?! [Grunts]

[George]

...Not really.

[Mr. Ree]

Me neither. Sorry boys, but I flushed TERDS away... Which is too bad, because it's almost as if I was put here to solve this very specific problem. [Shrugs] Anyway, good luck.

[Harold]

Well that was a huge waste of time

[George]

Yeah. Lets go get Captain Underpants!

[Harold]

Yeah!

[The approach a sign]

[Harold]

Ooh, a sign! [Reading] 'Caution: T. E. R. D. S. slippery when wet'. [Both chuckle]

[George]

No need to change this sign.

[Harold]

Nope. Can't beat perfect.

[Scene cuts to Mr. Krupp being beat up]

[TP Mummy]

Where... is... TP?!

[Mr. Krupp]

I don't know, the bathroom!? [Grunts] Ough... We'll always have cafeteria Paris.

[George]

C'mon, Captain Underpants!

[They snap their fingers]

[Captain Underpants]

Hmm? Hah! Tra-la-laa!

[George]

Captain Underpants! Theres a TP Mummy on the loose!

[Captain underpants]

Right. Whatever that means, it sounds bad. I like it. [Flies off] [Walks back] ...Which way? [Scene cuts] Hey, Mummy! I'm gonna wipe you out! Get it? Cause toilet paper!!

[Narrator]

Warning: The following scene is so violent, we're presenting it in harmless graffiti often found in public restrooms. Enjoy, Stall-o-rama [Stall-o-rama begins] There once was a man who wore undies. He had a tough time with a mummy. He tried to fight back, but she gave him a smack. And in the end, Jimmy Slapthighs was here. Wait, what?

[Captain Underpants Grunts]

[Captain Underpants]

Somebody call a plumber!

[TP Mummy growls]

[TP Mummy]

I want all the TP!

[George]

How are we gonna stop her?!

[Mr. Ree]

With TERDS!

[TP Mummy]

[Warbling] Huh?

[George and Harold]

It's Mr. Ree!

[Mr. Ree grunts as he jumps off the TP TeePee. He then trips and lands face-front on the floor]

[Mr. Ree]

Oof. [Sighs] You were right, boys. It's time for TERDS!

[George and Harold]

Yeah!

[Mr. Ree]

if only we had a way to make that TP Mummy follow us.

[George]

Thats it! There! The TP TeePee TP!

[Captain underpants]

The TP TeePee TP?

[Harold]

There!

[Captain Underpants]

Oh! The TP TeePee TP! Got it!

[Narrator]

Then this happened.

[Harold]

She's right behind us!

[George]

Keep running!

[Harold]

Mr. Ree, we're running out of TP!

[Mr. Ree]

Hang on, boys! TERDS is dead ahead!

[Harold]

Are you sure thats it?

[George]

Cause it looks like a regular mountain.

[Mr. Ree]

The mountain will open, kid!

[Harold]

Are you sure thats-

[Mr. Ree]

The mountain will open! It's a-

[Out heroes crash into the mountain]

Oh yeah. Right. The top. The top opens. Ah, it's been a while.

[TP Mummy]

[Growls] TP! TP! TP! TP! TP! TP!

[George, Harold, and Captain Underpants]

Ooooh.

[Mr. Ree]

TERDS is on the other side of that door... Now what was that code?

[Harold]

[Chuckles] Try number one.

[George]

[Chuckles] Try number two.

[Mr. Ree]

Oh yeah, 12. Welcome to TERDS, gentlemen.

[George and Harold]

Whoa....

[Mr. Ree]

This is the omega toilet.

[Captain underpants]

Ohhh....

[George]

Yep, its a big toilet.

[Harold]

It sure is!

[TP Mummy]

[Groans] MORE TP!

[Mr. Ree]

Ok, boys, TERDS is a go!

[George]

Captain Underpants, distracts her!

[Captain Underpants]

Great idea! Pick a card, any card! [Gets punched in the face] Oh, no! She hates magic!

[George]

Try what you did in our comic!

[Captain Underpants reads the comic]

[Captain underpants]

Ahahahaha! Good stuff, boys! I'm on it! [He wraps himself in toilet paper] Wanna go to the dump? It's romantic!

[TP Mummy]

I will destroy you!

[Captain underpants]

Sounds like a yes to me!

[Harold]

Captain underpants, phase 2!

[Captain Underpants]

Tra-la-laaaa!

[TP Mummy gets spun into the toilet]

[Captain Underpants]

You need to unwind.

[Harold]

It's working! ...What?

[TP Mummy]

You cannot flush me! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

[Harold]

What are we gonna do now!?

[TP Mummy]

Oui oui oui oui! Bow down before me! OUI OUI!

[Captain underpants]

Oh no! [He gets dunked in water]

[Mr. Krupp]

What... is.. Going... ON!?

[Harold]

Oh no! He's turning back into Krupp!

[TP Mummy]

[Growls] Oui oui oui!

[George]

Mr. Ree! It's overflowing! Help!

[Mr. Ree]

What do you want me to do?

[Harold]

Jiggle the handle!

[Mr. Ree]

[Has a min-flashback] No. No, I- I can't!

[George]

You have too! Remember Horatio Dump! He didn't give up!

[Mr. Ree]

What should I so, Mr. Dump?

[George]

Jiggle it! Just a little bit!

[Mr. Ree]

I...Can....Jiggle it! [He jiggles the handle] It's flushing! [Laughs] And it didn't expl-

[It explodes]

[Everyone screams]

Chapter 6: To make a short story shorter.[]

[Harp music]

[Narrator]

It worked.

[Ms. Yewh]

Where am I? And whats that smell?

[Mr. Ree]

Smells like victory!

[Dramatic fanfare]

[Ms. Yewh]

[Dreamily] Oh.... No, it smells like a toilet! [Mr. Ree covers her with a towel] Merci (Thank you). You're the janitor, oui?

[Mr. Ree]

Oui.

[Ms. Yewh]

[Gasps] French?

[Mr. Ree]

French-Canadian.

[Ms. Yewh]

Ooh... [Giggles] Close enough.

[Mr. Krupp]

Wait. Wait! [Sighs] I ate a snail for her!

[George]

That was amazing! It's too bad no-one will ever know about this, you know, because we're deep inside the mountain of TERDS? Sad high-five.

[Harold]

Yep. Guess we'll never be legends....

[Narrator]

Except, in fact, they would be legends, because that huge amount of toilet paper flew through the sky and completely covered Jerome Horwitz Elementary School.

[Erica]

Ha! They did it! the knuckleheads did it! [She walks away] Legends! [Credits roll]

[Episode ends]

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